So, I haven't written this in a while...it's not that I've run out of things to share, it's just that the sharing of what I'm going through lately makes no rational sense and I'd rather share everything in hindsight rather than in the lamplight of my flickering faith.
Because that is what is happening with me, in the midst of limping along in the dark, chasing after "the constantly moving cloud/pillar of fire", I am losing my damned mind. I hope that I am gaining a renewed mind in exchange... sometimes it appears that I am; other times my damned mind won't go quietly and starts reminding me of all of the reasons I need to be stressed, fearful, depressed, heck - at one point in my life I would have been so scared of my current situation I would have been fixating on suicide.
But I'm not, I'm often very relaxed, full of confidence and assurance that everything is going to be better than OK - that my life is on the verge of experiencing the backlog of years of promises. It's funny - but the more I take stock in how peaceful/relaxed I feel - then I can get stressed out. Thinking that I "should" be way more stressed out than I am
My life at the moment should be stressing me out to the point of ulcers & hysterical fear and anger (at the very least indigestion & whimpering under my desk). Yet for the most part I'm still full of Hope. I'm still dreaming with expectancy of vacations, buying a house, funding a few orphanages, funding my churches growth plans. (I won't even go into the details of how ludicrous that is when facing the financial situation that confronts me)
I gotta stop writing about the details, they want to overwhelm me with fear, because of the improbability of the situation. So instead let me focus on Jesus!
And that's my secret. That alone is how I am managing to lose my mind and not my heart. This just may be the secret to renewing our minds. Maybe most people don't renew their minds because they have to go through a shit storm like the one I find myself in; and frankly it could be the worst time of my life right now.
But I'm not letting it. Instead I keep force feeding myself the Truth of His Nature.
I recall another time when the natural situation I was in was clearly impossible to fix in any way I knew how. I recall this phrase " Blessed is the man who has nothing but the Nature of God"
Notice how I'm not talking about the "promise of God ? ". You see, my experience with Jesus and His people has been (like many of you) intensely "prophetic" & "Charismatic". I think I went through a 5 year period where I couldn't go 24 hours without receiving a word from someone or for someone. The prophetic word was what I lived on! I look back at that and smile a little ironic smile, I think it's the kind of smile that can only come from someone who has been broken a certain way. You see I took the "word of the Lord" and turned it into a gavel by which to judge and beat the character of God.
Do you do that? Do you look at your life, at someone else's life, watch the news... and judge God's heart? Have you been given a promise or a "prophetic word" that totally read your mail, caused your heart to soar and think YES! This is what I was made for!!! Only to see that word NOT come to pass? Have you had someone you love look in your eyes and die as you held them? Have you watched a loved one die slowly of cancer? AIDS? Or is it that you just witness the wickedness and corruption of the world? Is it the existence of the sex trade? Or starving children? Or natural disasters? Or for you is it based around money?
Oh Beloved, how foolish are we? That we can sit and presume to judge the heart of the UnCreated One.
***Little aside: any promise is only as good as the character of the one promising, and their ability to carry out what they have promised. Example; a 5 Pound note in England is actually worthless. It says on it "The Queen owes the bearer of this note 5 Pounds". And so the note becomes an I.O.U. from the Queen which = the worth it carries ie 5 pounds. If the Crown were corrupt the note technically becomes worth nothing, if the Crown becomes unable to pay the owed 5 pounds, technically the note worthless. Make sense? (I know that modern economy makes this point breakdown, but you get the analogy) The paper is worth something because of the character and the ability to honour the promise
This is what makes a prophetic word/promise from God worth anything. Without His Nature, they're just words. But because of His character you can take them to the bank. The danger lies in placing our hope in the promise, rather than in the Nature of the One who Promised.
So, back to the main point.
I am continuing to lose my damned mind. And I love it! The passage of the Gospels that keeps resonating with me is where Peter bursts out the "You are the Messiah" revelation and Jesus says on this Rock He will build His church, and the gates of Hell will not prevail against it. But the following verses are getting me just as much. A moment later Peter says that Jesus shouldn't go to the cross; Jesus turns to him and says "get behind me Satan, for your mind is full of the things of man"
How does Peter go from getting revelation by the Holy Spirit, to speaking the words of Satan in 60 seconds or less? He filled his mind with the things of Man... which opened the gates of Hell and allowed the message of Satan to walk right through.
So I'm working on refusing to set my affections and attention of the screaming world of the things of men, which yell at me the glaring deficiencies in my life and constantly judge and accuse God. Instead I am commanding my soul to bow and worship. To trust in the Nature of the One who promised that He would never leave me, that He is the One who provides my very breath.
I am renewing my mind. by His grace.
selah
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