So, I am sitting in my in-laws living room, on a grand total of 45 minutes sleep in the last two days. I actually feel sick, but somehow I can't seem to slow my brain down.
Why would anyone wake up, go through their day, then go home, load a car and drive with three kids under 7 -for 12 + hours through a blizzard. I then have to wake up at 4:30 tomorrow morning in order to fly all the way home in order to get back for church and work. Why would I deprive myself of sleep? Of the comforts of my own home? What would possess me to go through this? (not to mention the financial costs)?
Because my wife is amazing and I love her more than I ever thought I could love someone other than myself.
My beloved wife has an interesting family situation. To sum it up, she and her sisters had become estranged from their father. Years of heart ache and pain drove them far away from any semblance of communication. I looked at the situation and frankly I felt no hope that anything would ever be different. I had written everyone off as too stubborn, proud and religious to ever repent and try to reunite their hearts.
But not my wife. She endured. She always chose to forgive, even when she had every "right" to hold on to bitterness. It was fair that she was angry, hurt, disappointed... but that didn't stop her great heart from trusting Jesus and following His lead.
A few months ago, the Holy Spirit asked to do something that made ZERO sense to me. I was mad for her. I felt justified in the position I thought she should hold on to.
Instead she obeyed, she forgave, and she has changed the course of her family's destiny.
To sum up, her obedience and bravery have broken down barriers that are decades old. Through continued vulnerability and love where it was not deserved she is causing hearts to soften (hearts that I had written off).
The result - I am in my wife's parents house for the first time in years... exhausted from a crazy road trip and FULL of pride in my amazing wife. Being tired for a short term is of small consequence to her persistent forgiveness, her pursuit of loving, healthy, relationships, her brave vulnerability.
My wife looks a lot like Jesus when she does stuff like this and I couldn't be more proud to serve her in this.
I love you babe. You are so amazing.
Friday 11 March 2011
Monday 7 March 2011
Hope...
Hope.
Now that's something I can not stop thinking about. I keep listening to this song "Hope's Anthem" on the new record from Bethel Church ( buy it!) and I often cry - not sad - just... full.
I am praying for Hope to rise up around me, within me. You see my friend just had his heart shattered and frankly it's breaking mine. I want to fix him. But I can't. I want to fix everything around the whole situation, but I feel so inept. I also don't think it's my place to even try and fix things for my friend and his family. So I'm praying for him, for his family - and I'm full of Hope.
I feel like a fool for being so full of hope in the face of their pain and brokenness. I don't even know what I'm hoping for. That is the part that makes my logical brain tell me I'm an idiot. Frankly I look around the world and my heart leaps with Hope.
I spent my morning listening to some of the top financial minds in the country talk about how the U.S. and global economies are pretty much f^cked. Frankly, I agree. Hyper-inflation, the devaluation of the dollar and the collapse of the world system could actually be merely years away.
I go to facebook and see updates from my friends are in NZ helping with earthquake victims. This morning, I stood next to one of the capsules used to rescue the miners who were trapped in Chile. Australia has been rocked by floods, cyclones wild fires (in the recent past). Have you forgotten Haiti? I do. Forget about it all the time, because the next thing is on the news. Egypt. Libya. Iran. The host of other nations on the brink... I mean, can you ever remember a time where the planet itself seemed to be in such revolt?
And yet, my heart is FULL of HOPE. But I don't even know what I am hoping for.
And what the heck is Hope anyway? I hope I win the lottery. But I don't even buy lotto tickets. I think that's the kind of hope that most people refer to, the kind of daydream "wouldn't it be great if..." kind of hope. That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about something that transcends logic. Surpasses daydreaming and actually causes me to cry on the commuter train. (yeah ok so I cried on the train today...twice)
This is not merely optimism, or a positive outlook, or glass half full kind of hope. REMEMBER - I still don't know what I'm hoping for. (sure I have daydream hopes too - buying a house, growing my business, growing our amazing little church) - but that's not what I'm talking about either.
I think that this Hope - the kind that I find myself praying for and bursting out of me (during commuter train rides) is the kind that endures. But I still don't know exactly what I'm hoping for.
But...I do know this. I know WHO I HOPE IN!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!WOOOOOHOOOOO!
And although it makes no sense, although I am assaulted with reasons to despair, my heart is weeping with Hope. For you. For my friend, for his family, for my little amazing church, for my country, for my company, for my dreams and my Hope is this. Jesus.
I'll end with a quote from one of the best movies I've ever seen:
|"~ I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.~"
I sometimes wish Jesus was a verb. I hope you get Jesus'ed.
I hope He continues to do whatever it is He is doing in me. I hope He burns within me. I hope He burns within you.
I don't think we have seen the end of pain. I don't think that everything is going to work out like the end of a Disney movie. I don't think that everything is going to be ok. BUT - I Hope.
I hope you do too
Now that's something I can not stop thinking about. I keep listening to this song "Hope's Anthem" on the new record from Bethel Church ( buy it!) and I often cry - not sad - just... full.
I am praying for Hope to rise up around me, within me. You see my friend just had his heart shattered and frankly it's breaking mine. I want to fix him. But I can't. I want to fix everything around the whole situation, but I feel so inept. I also don't think it's my place to even try and fix things for my friend and his family. So I'm praying for him, for his family - and I'm full of Hope.
I feel like a fool for being so full of hope in the face of their pain and brokenness. I don't even know what I'm hoping for. That is the part that makes my logical brain tell me I'm an idiot. Frankly I look around the world and my heart leaps with Hope.
I spent my morning listening to some of the top financial minds in the country talk about how the U.S. and global economies are pretty much f^cked. Frankly, I agree. Hyper-inflation, the devaluation of the dollar and the collapse of the world system could actually be merely years away.
I go to facebook and see updates from my friends are in NZ helping with earthquake victims. This morning, I stood next to one of the capsules used to rescue the miners who were trapped in Chile. Australia has been rocked by floods, cyclones wild fires (in the recent past). Have you forgotten Haiti? I do. Forget about it all the time, because the next thing is on the news. Egypt. Libya. Iran. The host of other nations on the brink... I mean, can you ever remember a time where the planet itself seemed to be in such revolt?
And yet, my heart is FULL of HOPE. But I don't even know what I am hoping for.
And what the heck is Hope anyway? I hope I win the lottery. But I don't even buy lotto tickets. I think that's the kind of hope that most people refer to, the kind of daydream "wouldn't it be great if..." kind of hope. That's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about something that transcends logic. Surpasses daydreaming and actually causes me to cry on the commuter train. (yeah ok so I cried on the train today...twice)
This is not merely optimism, or a positive outlook, or glass half full kind of hope. REMEMBER - I still don't know what I'm hoping for. (sure I have daydream hopes too - buying a house, growing my business, growing our amazing little church) - but that's not what I'm talking about either.
I think that this Hope - the kind that I find myself praying for and bursting out of me (during commuter train rides) is the kind that endures. But I still don't know exactly what I'm hoping for.
But...I do know this. I know WHO I HOPE IN!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!WOOOOOHOOOOO!
And although it makes no sense, although I am assaulted with reasons to despair, my heart is weeping with Hope. For you. For my friend, for his family, for my little amazing church, for my country, for my company, for my dreams and my Hope is this. Jesus.
I'll end with a quote from one of the best movies I've ever seen:
|"~ I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.~"
I sometimes wish Jesus was a verb. I hope you get Jesus'ed.
I hope He continues to do whatever it is He is doing in me. I hope He burns within me. I hope He burns within you.
I don't think we have seen the end of pain. I don't think that everything is going to work out like the end of a Disney movie. I don't think that everything is going to be ok. BUT - I Hope.
I hope you do too
Friday 4 March 2011
The Invisible frangrance of Brokeness...
So.
For those who don't know much about me, or what's going on in my life I'm going to preface this post with detailing some massive milestone moments in my life the past ten years (these are the low moments - and bless God the list isn't that long or that impressive). But I want to set some context for why this topic is so close to my heart.
In the spring of 2000 I packed everything I owned into a backpack - grabbed my guitar and moved to Croydon (south east London UK). I had never been to England before (other than a month in Belfast I had never been outside North America). Thus began what was probably one of the best and most difficult seasons of my life. What I went through in Croydon
lost family members, friends, nearly lost my baby, nearly lost my marriage, given up on Hope, quit dreaming, nearly lost my faith. I have been (politely) kicked out of churches for being too weird, I have been called everything in the book by people I respected and cared about. --- It is by far NOT the most dramatic sequence of stories you'll hear... but I am thankful that it was enough to teach me something about Brokenness.
In the midst of this journey HE never once left me. And He often spoke to me about the condition of my heart; the first time He told me I was Broken, there was such a feeling of relief that came with that.
I realized that the Father didn't expect me to be whole. In fact He knew I wasn't even close...this is what He said.
"Your heart is leaking...it's 'cause it's broken. I pour into you and by the end of the day everything has just leaked right through the cracks. *smile* That's ok. You can't control that you're leaking...you're meant to pour out what's in your heart. The only thing you can control is where you direct your affections. 'Cause that's where you pour out your heart."
It was in that moment I knew that I was meant to pour my heart out - all the time. I didn't have to be whole. It was ok that I was broken...leaking as He put it.
Over time He began to show me some wonderful things in the Bible. Many of us know the saying "fall on the rock and be broken, lest it fall on you and grind you to powder"
Maybe...just maybe He calls us to do that, because He WANTS our hearts to be broken.
Mary held all of her treasure (life savings) in an alabaster jar. But her treasure was only released after the jar was broken. - This did enough to the heart of Jesus that He promised that wherever His story went, her story would go.
We as believers as referred to as jars of clay. Gideon and his army once held jars of clay. Inside these jars there were lamps/candles (either way, light.) Jesus said that we are like lamps/light that needs to be visible. (most of us know this analogy)
It was when Gideon and the boys broke the jars of clay that the light was released. The enemy army then proceeded to slaughter each other out of confusion. Crazy right. You could almost say that when the Jar of Clay was BROKEN - (ie our Hearts) the Spirit and purpose of God was released.
Broken...*laugh... it has held such negative connotations. Heartbroken perhaps most of all.
But maybe...just maybe HE wants our hearts to be broken. (at least sometimes). Maybe there is something released in Brokenness that just can't get out any other way! Maybe it's when we are Broken we are so acutely aware of our need for Him to repair us. Maybe we get to know Him in a way that Angels can't, that the Saints in heaven can't...
Just think about what it smelled like in the room when Mary broke that jar (her heart)... once it was broken all she could do was direct where the oil went. The fragrance of that oil most likely stayed with Jesus right to his last breath.
I think it meant a lot to him then, I think it means a lot to Him now. Brokenness releases the fragrance of what's inside. When your heart is full of love for Him - the fragrance to heaven is irresistible.
For those who don't know much about me, or what's going on in my life I'm going to preface this post with detailing some massive milestone moments in my life the past ten years (these are the low moments - and bless God the list isn't that long or that impressive). But I want to set some context for why this topic is so close to my heart.
In the spring of 2000 I packed everything I owned into a backpack - grabbed my guitar and moved to Croydon (south east London UK). I had never been to England before (other than a month in Belfast I had never been outside North America). Thus began what was probably one of the best and most difficult seasons of my life. What I went through in Croydon
- I worked in a factory (instead of the church where I was promised a job) manually stamping rivets into nylon strapping. I made 2.15 an hour. It took me 2 hours each way to get to and from work for the first month (until I moved)
- I then lived with a family who were on the verge of divorce. I witnessed the husband beat the wife, and we lived across the street from the largest crystal meth dealer in the south of England. The family requested that I not be allowed to leave my room (even to go to the bathroom) until 8:00 am, making it difficult to get to work on time. I would get dressed - spring from my room, brush my teeth and Run to the factory.
- Then, I got fired. For NOT talking with my female coworkers (and so they convinced management that I hated women - since management were elders at my church this contributed to me being disciplined and pulled away from music ministry; which is what I moved there to do in the first place.
- The next day I was told I had to move out within the week.
- I was reduced to 0.27 pence in my bank account, living 1000's of miles away from home, had no job, no where to live, my parents were on the verge of bankruptcy and couldn't send me any money.
- I spent a day scouting where I could live on the street and not get killed in my sleep----This is where Jesus stepped in and started to teach me about finding Him when I am scared and broken.
- During this time I was so lonely - all I wanted to do was fall in love and get married - my leadership team told me I wasn't allowed to date anyone. This is the first time He started talking to me about Brokenness.
- Fast forward --- I feel the Holy Spirit call me to Redding CA (a place I had never heard of). By this point I am leading worship at a thriving church, have offers to record a cd, was starting to be flown to different countries to play --- essentially ministry success was looming. *My church elders then told me that I was too immature to leave them. That I was too important, and that I didn't actually hear God. They refused to help me financially (although I had volunteered for over two years) - refused to take up an offering - and prayed that I wouldn't get the money to go. My heart broke.
- Fast forward --- I am in Redding, married and have a beautiful little girl. It turns out that she is sick...really sick. At her 3 week check up the Dr. tells my wife our daughter is in heart failure and that it's her fault. ---Keep in mind that I am an illegal resident at this point --- ie no health insurance. We are so broke we can barely afford the $350 a month rent we pay.
- Then came the day that I handed my baby to a stranger in a hospital, they took her behind these doors, where I wasn't allowed to go - and cut her open to try and fix her heart. (Bad day)
- Fast forward --- I had felt Him calling me again and dragged my family across the country to Nashville, where I thought my dreams were about to come true. --- Pilgrimage fail.
- I wound up stocking shelves at Target for $7.10 an hour 31 hours a week (just enough to not get health insurance). I didn't eat a lot during that time. I made sure the wife and baby were ok - but I would go several days without eating because we couldn't afford the food. The low point was picking half eaten pizza out of a garbage can because I was so hungry. Oh yeah - I tried to get promoted - I was working as diligently as I could - but I was told I was not "section leader material". That's right - I was unqualified to make sure a section of Target had the shelves stocked. That did wonders for my self confidence.
- Fast forward--- we are living in Newmarket Ontario and my wife and I are on the verge of divorce. (too many reasons to count) I had really betrayed and hurt her. She called her parents, took our two daughters and left for a while. --- I was devastated.
- Fast forward --- a year later, we have patched up and try to move back to the States. My Green Card has expired - I am denied at the boarder. My wife and daughters spend the next 3 months in Illinois while I am in Toronto. --- my heart grew so hard and I was so angry at God - I almost threw everything away. (Dark time)
lost family members, friends, nearly lost my baby, nearly lost my marriage, given up on Hope, quit dreaming, nearly lost my faith. I have been (politely) kicked out of churches for being too weird, I have been called everything in the book by people I respected and cared about. --- It is by far NOT the most dramatic sequence of stories you'll hear... but I am thankful that it was enough to teach me something about Brokenness.
In the midst of this journey HE never once left me. And He often spoke to me about the condition of my heart; the first time He told me I was Broken, there was such a feeling of relief that came with that.
I realized that the Father didn't expect me to be whole. In fact He knew I wasn't even close...this is what He said.
"Your heart is leaking...it's 'cause it's broken. I pour into you and by the end of the day everything has just leaked right through the cracks. *smile* That's ok. You can't control that you're leaking...you're meant to pour out what's in your heart. The only thing you can control is where you direct your affections. 'Cause that's where you pour out your heart."
It was in that moment I knew that I was meant to pour my heart out - all the time. I didn't have to be whole. It was ok that I was broken...leaking as He put it.
Over time He began to show me some wonderful things in the Bible. Many of us know the saying "fall on the rock and be broken, lest it fall on you and grind you to powder"
Maybe...just maybe He calls us to do that, because He WANTS our hearts to be broken.
Mary held all of her treasure (life savings) in an alabaster jar. But her treasure was only released after the jar was broken. - This did enough to the heart of Jesus that He promised that wherever His story went, her story would go.
We as believers as referred to as jars of clay. Gideon and his army once held jars of clay. Inside these jars there were lamps/candles (either way, light.) Jesus said that we are like lamps/light that needs to be visible. (most of us know this analogy)
It was when Gideon and the boys broke the jars of clay that the light was released. The enemy army then proceeded to slaughter each other out of confusion. Crazy right. You could almost say that when the Jar of Clay was BROKEN - (ie our Hearts) the Spirit and purpose of God was released.
Broken...*laugh... it has held such negative connotations. Heartbroken perhaps most of all.
But maybe...just maybe HE wants our hearts to be broken. (at least sometimes). Maybe there is something released in Brokenness that just can't get out any other way! Maybe it's when we are Broken we are so acutely aware of our need for Him to repair us. Maybe we get to know Him in a way that Angels can't, that the Saints in heaven can't...
Just think about what it smelled like in the room when Mary broke that jar (her heart)... once it was broken all she could do was direct where the oil went. The fragrance of that oil most likely stayed with Jesus right to his last breath.
I think it meant a lot to him then, I think it means a lot to Him now. Brokenness releases the fragrance of what's inside. When your heart is full of love for Him - the fragrance to heaven is irresistible.
Wednesday 2 March 2011
The difference between "believing in God" and "Believing God"...
So I've held this conviction for some time,but I rarely hear anyone talk about it...so I will.
I spend a lot of time with people who don't hold the same core beliefs as I hold. I actually love it, because I am often forced to really consider what I believe or I should really say Who I believe.
What I am constantly confronted with is this prevailing attitude that makes people really difficult to talk to. Frankly I am getting really frustrated and sick of it. This is the attitude ... Paraphrasing "I believe in God... I'm a good person"
I'm getting to the point where I am responding with " No. You are not good. You're a mess,'just like me."
The difference between us is this- I don't believe IN God. Not in the sense that kids believe in Santa Clause. Instead I Believe God. Full stop.
Believing in God is a nice comforting thought that somewhere out there is this God and if you're good enough then he'll let you in the gates. Believing IN God requires NOTHING from you. As a result it does nothing in you.
On the other hand Believing God requires everything from you. It implies that you trust Him and you can not trust someone you don't know. Not when they keep telling you things you don't believe about yourself. Not when they tell you do things you don't understand. Not when your circumstances seem to fly in the face of what a "good God" would allow to happen to you- the good person".
The only way to Believe God is to trust what He says~ and that means that you have to KNOW Him.
This is the faith that we read about in Hebrews. People who believe rather than believe in. These are those who endure. These are those who don't seek to "get into Heaven" but instead realize that they are already there.
By this I mean that for those who Believe Him eternal life has already started. Jesus said eternal life is the continuing, unfolding, experiential knowledge of the Father. This means that for those who believe Him-its already started!
So what about you? Do you believe in him the way kids believe in the Easter bunny or Santa? Or do you believe Him.
Quickest way to find this out is to face something you are afraid of. So right now, think about something causing you stress or fear- in that place you might believe IN God, but you probably don't actually believe God. If you did you wouldn't be afraid very long, you wouldn't carry stress- you wouldn't be burdened the way you are.
FYI- " you"= me cause that's what I need to do. Because even after all of this, I still sometimes think of Him like Santa,'and not the most trustworthy person in history. Jesus have mercy on me.
I spend a lot of time with people who don't hold the same core beliefs as I hold. I actually love it, because I am often forced to really consider what I believe or I should really say Who I believe.
What I am constantly confronted with is this prevailing attitude that makes people really difficult to talk to. Frankly I am getting really frustrated and sick of it. This is the attitude ... Paraphrasing "I believe in God... I'm a good person"
I'm getting to the point where I am responding with " No. You are not good. You're a mess,'just like me."
The difference between us is this- I don't believe IN God. Not in the sense that kids believe in Santa Clause. Instead I Believe God. Full stop.
Believing in God is a nice comforting thought that somewhere out there is this God and if you're good enough then he'll let you in the gates. Believing IN God requires NOTHING from you. As a result it does nothing in you.
On the other hand Believing God requires everything from you. It implies that you trust Him and you can not trust someone you don't know. Not when they keep telling you things you don't believe about yourself. Not when they tell you do things you don't understand. Not when your circumstances seem to fly in the face of what a "good God" would allow to happen to you- the good person".
The only way to Believe God is to trust what He says~ and that means that you have to KNOW Him.
This is the faith that we read about in Hebrews. People who believe rather than believe in. These are those who endure. These are those who don't seek to "get into Heaven" but instead realize that they are already there.
By this I mean that for those who Believe Him eternal life has already started. Jesus said eternal life is the continuing, unfolding, experiential knowledge of the Father. This means that for those who believe Him-its already started!
So what about you? Do you believe in him the way kids believe in the Easter bunny or Santa? Or do you believe Him.
Quickest way to find this out is to face something you are afraid of. So right now, think about something causing you stress or fear- in that place you might believe IN God, but you probably don't actually believe God. If you did you wouldn't be afraid very long, you wouldn't carry stress- you wouldn't be burdened the way you are.
FYI- " you"= me cause that's what I need to do. Because even after all of this, I still sometimes think of Him like Santa,'and not the most trustworthy person in history. Jesus have mercy on me.
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