The Invisible frangrance of Brokeness...

So.

For those who don't know much about me, or what's going on in my life I'm going to preface this post with detailing some massive milestone moments in my life the past ten years (these are the low moments - and bless God the list isn't that long or that impressive).  But I want to set some context for why this topic is so close to my heart.

In the spring of 2000 I packed everything I owned into a backpack - grabbed my guitar and moved to Croydon (south east London UK).  I had never been to England before (other than a month in Belfast I had never been outside North America).  Thus began what was probably one of the best and most difficult seasons of my life. What I went through in Croydon

• I worked in a factory (instead of the church where I was promised a job) manually stamping rivets into nylon strapping.  I made 2.15 an hour.  It took me 2 hours each way to get to and from work for the first month (until I moved)

• I then lived with a family who were on the verge of divorce.  I witnessed the husband beat the wife, and we lived across the street from the largest crystal meth dealer in the south of England.  The family requested that I not be allowed to leave my room (even to go to the bathroom) until 8:00 am, making it difficult to get to work on time.  I would get dressed - spring from my room, brush my teeth and Run to the factory.
• Then, I got fired. For NOT talking with my female coworkers (and so they convinced management that I hated women - since management were elders at my church this contributed to me being disciplined and pulled away from music ministry; which is what I moved there to do in the first place.
• The next day I was told I had to move out within the week.  
• I was reduced to 0.27 pence in my bank account, living 1000's of miles away from home, had no job, no where to live, my parents were on the verge of bankruptcy and couldn't send me any money.   
• I spent a day scouting where I could live on the street and not get killed in my sleep----This is where Jesus stepped in and started to teach me about finding Him when I am scared and broken.
• During this time I was so lonely - all I wanted to do was fall in love and get married - my leadership team told me I wasn't allowed to date anyone.  This is the first time He started talking to me about Brokenness.
• Fast forward --- I feel the Holy Spirit call me to Redding CA (a place I had never heard of).  By this point I am leading worship at a thriving church, have offers to record a cd, was starting to be flown to different countries to play --- essentially ministry success was looming.  *My church elders then told me that I was too immature to leave them.  That I was too important, and that I didn't actually hear God.  They refused to help me financially (although I had volunteered for over two years) - refused to take up an offering - and prayed that I wouldn't  get the money to go.  My heart broke.
• Fast forward --- I am in Redding, married and have a beautiful little girl.  It turns out that she is sick...really sick.  At her 3 week check up the Dr. tells my wife our daughter is in heart failure and that it's her fault. ---Keep in mind that I am an illegal resident at this point --- ie no health insurance.  We are so broke we can barely afford the $350 a month rent we pay.
• Then came the day that I handed my baby to a stranger in a hospital, they took her behind these doors, where I wasn't allowed to go - and cut her open to try and fix her heart.  (Bad day)
• Fast forward --- I had felt Him calling me again and dragged my family across the country to Nashville, where I thought my dreams were about to come true.  --- Pilgrimage fail.  
• I wound up stocking shelves at Target for $7.10 an hour 31 hours a week (just enough to not get health insurance).  I didn't eat a lot during that time.  I made sure the wife and baby were ok - but I would go several days without eating because we couldn't afford the food.  The low point was picking half eaten pizza out of a garbage can because I was so hungry.  Oh yeah - I tried to get promoted - I was working as diligently as I could - but I was told I was not "section leader material".  That's right - I was unqualified to make sure a section of Target had the shelves stocked.  That did wonders for my self confidence.
• Fast forward--- we are living in Newmarket Ontario and my wife and I are on the verge of divorce. (too many reasons to count)  I had really betrayed and hurt her.  She called her parents, took our two daughters and left for a while.  --- I was devastated.
• Fast forward --- a year later, we have patched up and try to move back to the States.  My Green Card has expired - I am denied at the boarder.  My wife and daughters spend the next 3 months in Illinois while I am in Toronto.  --- my heart grew so hard and I was so angry at God - I almost threw everything away.  (Dark time)
• 
  

There are way too many other stories to tell, but I have been poor, sick, heartbroken, abused, rejected, stranded, homeless, bitter, vengeful, watched friends live out MY dreams while I sit in the shadows.  I have
lost family members, friends, nearly lost my baby, nearly lost my marriage, given up on Hope, quit dreaming, nearly lost my faith.  I have been (politely) kicked out of churches for being too weird, I have been called everything in the book by people I respected and cared about.  --- It is by far NOT the most dramatic sequence of stories you'll hear... but I am thankful that it was enough to teach me something about Brokenness.


In the midst of this journey HE never once left me.  And He often spoke to me about the condition of my heart; the first time He told me I was Broken, there was such a feeling of relief that came with that.

I realized that the Father didn't expect me to be whole.  In fact He knew I wasn't even close...this is what He said.
  "Your heart is leaking...it's 'cause it's broken.  I pour into you and by the end of the day everything has just leaked right through the cracks.  *smile*  That's ok.  You can't control that you're leaking...you're meant to pour out what's in your heart.  The only thing you can control is where you direct your affections.  'Cause that's where you pour out your heart."

It was in that moment I knew that I was meant to pour my heart out - all the time.  I didn't have to be whole.  It was ok that I was broken...leaking as He put it. 


Over time He began to show me some wonderful things in the Bible.  Many of us know the saying "fall on the rock and be broken, lest it fall on you and grind you to powder" 


Maybe...just maybe He calls us to do that, because He WANTS our hearts to be broken. 


Mary held all of her treasure (life savings) in an alabaster jar.  But her treasure was only released after the jar was broken.  - This did enough to the heart of Jesus that He promised that wherever His story went, her story would go.

We as believers as referred to as jars of clay.  Gideon and his army once held jars of clay.  Inside these jars there were lamps/candles (either way, light.)  Jesus said that we are like lamps/light that needs to be visible.  (most of us know this analogy)

It was when Gideon and the boys broke the jars of clay that the light was released.  The enemy army then proceeded to slaughter each other out of confusion.  Crazy right.  You could almost say that when the Jar of Clay was BROKEN - (ie our Hearts) the Spirit and purpose of God was released. 

Broken...*laugh... it has held such negative connotations.  Heartbroken perhaps most of all. 

But maybe...just maybe HE wants our hearts to be broken.  (at least sometimes).  Maybe there is something released in Brokenness that just can't get out any other way!   Maybe it's when we are Broken we are so acutely aware of our need for Him to repair us.  Maybe we get to know Him in a way that Angels can't, that the Saints in heaven can't...

Just think about what it smelled like in the room when Mary broke that jar (her heart)... once it was broken all she could do was direct where the oil went.  The fragrance of that oil most likely stayed with Jesus right to his last breath. 
I think it meant a lot to him then, I think it means a lot to Him now.  Brokenness releases the fragrance of what's inside.  When your heart is full of love for Him - the fragrance to heaven is irresistible.